LISTENING TO THE SILENCES

Let us hark back together to what I wrote earlier, to the thoughts of two men who have experienced the spiritual in life - used the spiritual: invoked the spiritual: worked with the spiritual. Men with such widely different backgrounds and antecedents - one an Irish poet and philosopher, the other an American-Jewish surgeon and philosopher. The first writes:

…"Often our loneliness and isolation is due to a failure of spiritual imagination. We forget that there is no such thing as empty space. All space is full of presence, particularly the presence of those who are now in eternal, invisible form."

The second, equally, has no doubt as he states:

…"As a healer I'm trying to get people to have faith in their own lives and in the whole process of life. You can act from that faith and make the rest of your life simple, or you can keep testing (the source of your faith) and make the rest of your life difficult… I counsel you to choose your direction, make the leap of faith and fly. Let the occasional spiritual flat tyres redirect your life. That's what survivors do. They don't have failures. They have delays or redirections. Choosing spiritual guidance also helps you to see that people's minds and souls are interconnected in ways normally obscured from our everyday vision. The separatedness most of us experience is illusory, and seeing through it makes life even more meaningful". (My italics)

It is here, at this point in the contact or discussions that I have with individuals, that I find myself running into sand. Minds are preformed. They may be preformed through the existing religious beliefs of the person - beliefs that may be set in stone and allow for no re-examination or interpretation. Minds equally set in stone may be those of individuals who, for whatever reason, are determined to resist completely the idea of the existence of a spiritual state or of individually acting spirits. I have had to make my own adjustments, and come to terms with the reality of my own experiences. One of the largest obstacles, points of disbelief, that many have, is with the traditional concepts of 'God'. God as creator of the Universe; God as an omniscient, prescient being, able to shape the lives of people and events on earth. On my computer screen when I switch on there is an image that came from the Hubble telescope, an image of the Whirlpool galaxy. I have it there partly for its intrinsic beauty, but more so to remind me of the immensity of the Universe, of the comparative insignificance of our sun and planet earth. On this earth I read of or watch almost daily the actions and behaviour of individuals and groups doing the most vile things to each other because of their varying and individual beliefs in 'God' - Who is, nevertheless, so it is claimed, the same for all peoples. I have a number of friends who are Buddhist, who, while having a deep and active spiritual life, nevertheless, have no belief in a 'God'.

Whenever I can, and from any available source, I acquire and study whatever is available relating to the evolution of the human species. Back and back, and yet further back they go, the palaeontologists, billions of years to 'the fish that walked': to the tetrapod that breathed air, that became a mammal and became us. Across the room on a shelf is a fossil trilobite that was alive four hundred million years ago, and elsewhere in the house a fossil ammonite from some time later - both species having been wiped out in one or other of the mass extinctions that have beset evolution. And thus and thus I try to face reality and shape my beliefs, for while my intellect and observation enable me to keep my grasp on what I can see with my own eyes, or take into my hands and accept as believable, I nevertheless have had the experiences that I have related.

I have had experiences that I have tried to describe as fully as my powers of expression allow, and have only held back when dealing with something that is spiritually and personally too deep and intimate to share. My experiences penetrate the interface between the visible and tangible and the 'ethereal' and intangible. I have felt the physical strength employed by a spiritual source in the manipulation of my body; daily I am aware of the intrusive movement of 'others' within my self and of the interactions within my mind. In the face of indifference and outright or unexpressed disbelief, I nevertheless continue to write, to explain, in the profound hope that some will accept, that some will profit. With the acceptance will, hopefully, come application - application of the knowledge in the care and 'release' of individuals who have been similarly invaded and who have, as a result, become disturbed and ill.

As I now begin to try to describe the reality of my current or past encounters with the 'intruders', I think that you may yourself realise that I am not recounting religious experiences such as one might find in the lives of the saints or the like. What I am, in fact, presenting is a series of ploys that have been used, continue to be used, to undermine my thoughts and actions and motives. You might recognise them as parallel experiences in your own life or in that of someone you care for. What I hope you will recognise are examples of what are commonly called the 'First Rank' symptoms of schizophrenia. What I also hope is that you will see that I have experienced them all, and recorded them in my own words - experienced and recorded some time before I had even become aware of such a list of symptoms. What I further hope to impress you with is the fact that I have never been ill from this cause.
To remind you, let me list the symptoms as given in Schizophrenia Genesis by Irving J. Gottesman:

1. Voices speak one's thoughts aloud.


2. Two or more voices (hallucinated - his words not mine) discuss one in the third person.


3. Voices discuss one's actions as they happen.


4. Bodily sensations are imposed by an external force.


5. Thoughts stop and one feels they are extracted by an external force.


6. Thoughts not 'really' one's own are inserted among one's own.


7. Thoughts are broadcast into the outside world and heard by all.


8. Alien feelings are imposed by an external force.


9. Alien impulses are imposed by an external force.


10. 'Volitional' actions are imposed by an external force.


11. Perceptions are 'delusional' and un-understandable.

Words such as 'hallucination' and 'delusion' are never my own choice, and I reject them and all their connotations totally. These are words used by the professionals in psychiatry and medicine, and imposed upon the 'outside' world in default of other more suitable expressions. But, and let us be clear about this, they are not words which would be chosen by those who actually experience the phenomena. By the time the latter have come within the orbit of psychiatry, they have often become so disturbed that they cannot describe rationally what they are experiencing, and, by default, accept what they are told - that they are hallucinating, deluded. By contrast, and as I have described, apart from the brief period at the outset of my encounter with 'voices' when I was deeply affected by what was happening to me - apart from then, all my experiences have come while I have otherwise been engaged in the normality of living. I drive to my local town; shop; borrow books from the library; travel to such places as the Hebrides, York, Scotland, on holiday. I have come to terms with my computer as a late starter - and you can judge my prowess for yourself. With its help I have communicated by letter or e-mail with a wide range of people including the Prime Minister and other major politicians, at least two retired consultant psychiatrists on matters about which I hold strong views, and received replies which indicate that my comments are welcome - indeed, one very well known professor of astronomy commented that he is always delighted to receive e-mails such as the ones that I have sent to him.

Thus a life - perhaps a bit more adventurous than many, as I indulge the privileges of my seniority - a life in which I am accepted as someone who has all his marbles; a life that embraces a wide variety of interests and a life through which I have, with success, tried to help, encourage, individuals who are disturbed in their minds. As you read, therefore, please remember, and remember well, that these experiences are not the product of a diseased or sick brain or one with a chemical imbalance within, nor of an aberrant mind. Everything that happened did so when I was wide-awake and doing, or trying to do, the normal things of life. Please remember also that I am not writing on my own behalf, but as an advocate for the many who have similar experiences, who are rendered inarticulate or confused by them, who are labelled 'schizophrenic' and who suffer all that society throws at them because of the label.