LISTENING TO THE SILENCES

Some time after the collapse of my first marriage, I took the plunge again and married a widow who had two teenage children. By nature, I am an optimistic person, looking for the positive in a relationship, and, probably naïvely, not looking ahead to the possibility of incompatibility or of serious dissent. Thus the prospect of sharing my newly acquired home and its four acres of land with someone who had similar interests in horses and the development of a smallholding, seemed to have a lot going for it. With my guard totally down, I made my newly acquired family completely free of the establishment and facilities in an endeavour to let them integrate totally, and feel wanted. Without going into detail, in a short time I found myself overwhelmed. With their own lines of communication well established, I found that preferences were being decided and acted upon in a manner which excluded me from the process, with the result that gradually I began to feel submerged and almost an alien in my own home. Worst of all was to have one's every action observed and analysed, and possibly commented upon or reported back. Remarks such as "I wouldn't do it that way" began to intrude: "The person who taught me to drive…" or similar comments were delivered in a manner that always presumed the superiority, or personal 'omniscience' of the lady.

The result was that very soon I found myself, at almost all times, living in anticipation of some remark or action that reflected or rebounded upon what I may have said or done. I had the constant inward feeling akin to 'looking over my shoulder', in expectation of some sort of intervention. In extreme instances, it was possible to find oneself unable to think a plan through or to make a rational decision, and even, as a result, to come to a total and dithering stop. These and similar reactions (or lack of actions) might occur even when the antagonising influence was not actually present, but in the offing or about to return. I sought isolation and longed for the 'space' and independence for my own thoughts and actions, free from observation and comment; free from the intruding voice and presence.

Many individuals, either by choice, or unwittingly, place themselves in situations in which 'voices and presences' intrude into their minds and bodies - indeed, some actively seek the voices and presences. Reflect that, unsuspectingly, without guile, but gullibly, and without anticipating any adverse consequences, through the use of my pendulum and alphabet chart, I was completely taken over, and my mind and life were totally dominated - until eventually I was able to break free. What, initially, had appeared to be a desirable development in my life, soon became a dominating influence. I had not been seeking spiritual enlightenment, or any esoteric practices, whereas many individuals do have such goals.

The 'seeker' may, for example, join a workshop with the aim of becoming a 'channeller' of enlightenment and truth from 'ascended masters', and be delighted at the arrival within of an inner voice and presence. Another might enrol for instruction in Reiki, and receive 'empowerment' or 'atunemet' from some (presumed) spiritual source. Others may follow the directions given in the writings of the Simontons or similar authors and endeavour to find their 'inner guides'. Some might go through a process of 'past life regression' under hypnosis and emerge convinced that they have their former persona 'who' speaks through them. Yet others might seek the inner 'atunements' to be reached through deep meditation practices - indeed they might work diligently at the practices with the objective of achieving, or contacting sidhis (depending upon the meaning each might give to the word).

Some seekers are well integrated mentally and spiritually, and are introduced to their chosen practice with care and control. Others may be 'opened' spiritually in a rash or incompetent manner, and may become the victims of undesirable intrusions into their bodies and minds. (Once again quoting Dr. Elmer Greene when he writes of the perils of a hasty descent into the deeper realms of the mind: 'The persistent explorer in these realms…brings himself to the attention of indigenous beings…').

The arrival of the voice in the mind and the presence within the body, may be instant and very obvious, as they were in my case, or they may appear as if by subtle and gentle infusion over time, in such a way that the 'host' may never be sure when they actually arrived, or, indeed, whether they had always been present. With the awareness that there is, seemingly, a powerful spiritual or 'different' influence in ones life, it is possible that one feels flattered at being chosen, particularly as a feeling of 'warm solicitousness' may be being created simultaneously. As within the analogous situation of my second marriage, it is difficult to be certain subsequently when things began to change - when the presence and association once welcome and sought, became so unwelcome, aggravating and dominating.

Analogies can be taken too far, and then cease to be useful, yet, nevertheless, the changes that I have used my former marriage to illustrate, do occur, sometimes over a period of time - sometimes within the span of a day, as in the following example that I have recorded.

The moment of waking, or the time of gradually emerging awareness after sleep, is most crucial, for one is then at one's most vulnerable. One's first thoughts at these times are 'answered'; indeed, it might seem that one is already in a conversation. It is exceedingly difficult to avoid responding, and a dialogue can ensue from which it is hard to break free. There can be a feeling created on waking, a sense of being with very gentle spiritual people, warm, welcoming and caring. It is so easy to slip into this ambience, particularly if the rest of one's life is bleak or fraught.

But, as one is starting to feel 'cosy' and cared for, they start to imply that there are one or two, oh-so-teeny, defects that need correcting before one can be truly accepted and enjoy this ambience and ultimately be accepted into it after death. Gradually the emphasis shifts becoming more needling and ultimately threatening. One's defects become grossly magnified, one's sense of unworthiness exaggerated, and all the earlier warmth totally disappears.

Sometimes an intrusion can be of such a cold, inhuman presence that one can feel oneself to be totally devoid of humanity, of love, of caring. One could become either very ill or very evil.

It is virtually impossible for anyone in this state to convey to another the sense of threat or terror that can be experienced at these times. This inability to communicate can so increase a person's sense of loneliness, of total isolation, that they can easily try to seek oblivion in drink or drugs or suicide - indeed, it is quite possible that in their mind they will be actively encouraged down some desperate or diabolical route.

It is some time since I experienced this particular type of ploy, although the memory never fades. While my own experiences were long ago and intermittent, I was once briefly acquainted with a woman for whom similar and worse ones were a daily occurrence. Married with two young children of school age, her days began inside the warm 'cocoon' of the mind and the ambience of a benevolent spiritual presence. With the husband at work and the children at school, the warmth and gentleness of the voices and presences changed significantly, and she was accused of being an incompetent and wicked mother whose children were in danger of being corrupted by evil. She was told that she should kill the children and then herself in order to escape from the evil that surrounded them, and to ensure that they all would be secure spiritually. Each day saw her cowering in a corner with the curtains drawn, subjected to constant abuse and torments, until about mid-afternoon, when the agony gradually ceased, the curtains were drawn back, and the children welcomed home. All would be peace - until the next morning, when the omissions of the previous day would be piled onto the long and growing list of her incompetences and inadequacies.

The person was an active, practicing Christian, the minister of whose church lived less than fifty yards away, unable, seemingly, to help. I talked to him on one occasion when I visited a friend who lived nearby, and tried to interest him in my experiences, and their relevance to the situation of his parishioner. I might just as well have saved my breath, for like so many in the Christian ministry today, he had come under the spell of modern psychiatry and psychology, and believed all that was said about voice hearing, schizophrenia, and the efficacy of modern drugs in controlling the condition. Instead of asking, exploring, trying to learn more, this man was more interested in trying to analyse me, and in putting me in a 'category' that would explain my alleged experiences.

I can only comment from the standpoint of someone who has been a lifelong Christian, and can only speculate that people of other faiths might have their religious beliefs and observances used and turned against them as they strive for the perfections that their religion advocates. One fruitful hunting ground for intruding spirits is the highly charged, emotional setting of a religious gathering, where the charismatic appeal of the speaker can cause individuals to drop their inhibitions or controls and open themselves wide to a hoped-for spiritual manifestation, or 'conversion'. The huge appeal of the moment; the wonderful feeling of being 'born-again'; the dramatic reaction to being 'slain by the spirit', can all conspire to make the sensitive, susceptible ones believe that they have been 'chosen'. They can feel numinous presences within or around them, and rejoice at the inner voice that tells them that they are one of an elect band and that they will 'purified', and, when pure, will be allowed close and personal contact with the 'ultimate' - that, if pure, they may even be chosen to 'channel' wisdom and truths. In the joy of having been accepted into this inner circle, it is so easy for the susceptible to lose all sense of discernment and to immerse themselves completely within this newly revealed inner world.

Undoubtedly there are many spiritual locations and gatherings from which people return uplifted, inspired and renewed - locations and gatherings where, often by long association, there is spiritual guardianship and protection. There are, however, undoubtedly others, where the speaker and venue are used to draw the vulnerable, susceptible, and where their weaknesses can be seen and exploited spiritually. I am fully aware that many have great difficulty even in accepting the reality of a spiritual state and of the existence of individually acting spirits. I am equally aware of the much greater difficulty that the concept of the reality of spiritual evil and of intelligent, individually acting spirits presents. I have long ago given up any attempts to convince anyone who is determined not to accept any of this; but even these readers, if they truly have the welfare of suffering individuals at heart, should consider what I am writing, and, if nothing else, use my experiences and observations as 'patterns' to be held against these individuals to see if any fit.

To return to ones who have been 'entered' and inspired, and who now believe that they are to be purified and 'used' - by whom? Do they question? I did not - I was gullibility personified - because I had no reason to doubt what I was being told, through the pendulum, or in my mind! Remember, I was alone, with no one with whom to share my experiences or from whom I might have received counsel and caution. Indeed, one ploy that might be used is one in which they gradually encourage isolation, advising that friends and associates are not 'worthy' to share in the new experiences, and that all inner voice contact would be better served by the hearer withdrawing into a more solitary life. Within the new world of increasing solitude and isolation, the victim, without realising it, is more vulnerable and open to suggestion. Thus, it might be proposed that a prayer regime should be established, which gradually might become more severe as an indication of inner piety - possibly involving waking and praying through the night. Different forms of asceticism, such as diet restriction, may be suggested strongly.

[Let me remind you of my earlier description of the arguments and propositions that were put to me, and let me also recall that at the time I felt no strain or overt pressure - all appeared logical and desirable, and it was all achieved as the result of discourse in my mind. This is what I wrote:

"… nevertheless, there was strong argument that I should become morally impeccable, but that I should not choose a philosophy or religious affiliation because it allowed a degree of moral latitude. It was put to me that as, at an earlier time, I had elected to be a Catholic, I should 'return to the fold', or, if not, then my rejection should be for sound reasons of belief, and not because I was looking for a path with less exacting moral standards.

I was encouraged to adopt a sincere prayer life and spent long periods in prayer each night…"]

With each acceptance of a new devotion or stringency, the victim is creating levers that may be used to torment him. If he should default on any of his commitments, they will seize upon and try to exploit even the most minor peccadillo, or even a supposed one, and make it become an obsession beyond all reason, while at the same time creating a physical ambience of censoriousness. They might even propose a more severe asceticism as a form of penance to restore his spiritual standing. The feeling created, of unworthiness and censure, can overshadow the brightest company or activity, almost as if there was a sentence hanging over one - reminiscent of when, in my past serious depression, there existed a feeling of 'gut hollowness' that totally prevented one's enjoyment and development, much as I imagine the presence of a cancer within one's body might do. Within the major religions, many do spend time in isolation, or engage in stringent ascetic practices, but they do so within a 'control group', having checks and balances and spiritual advisors, together with a long tradition upon which to draw, and an understanding of the potential dangers of such activities. (Recollect the 'Rules for the discernment of spirits' given by St. Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuit Order, to which I referred earlier in my writing).

Within the context of self-purification, the hearer is encouraged to dredge his mind and to bring to the surface any - usually long past - events or thoughts of an embarrassing, shameful or similar nature, especially if others are involved. They will encourage recollection of incidents in which others - family, friends, - showed up badly, especially reminiscences about known or imagined (and usually, sexual) peccadilloes. They might next pretend that the persons themselves are present in spirit and are aware of the thoughts, and that one will be confronted with the consequences of these unnecessary revelations that should have been allowed to pass into history, when one dies oneself. In this context, they will insert into one's mind a name that is calculated to produce reminiscences from the past - often the name of someone with whom one has been close or intimate - always trawling the mind, encouraging recollections, particularly of a sexual nature.

Yet again, a 'heavy' presence, purporting to be a senior spiritual figure, may introduce the concept that someone (deceased) does, or will wish to apologise for lifetime's hurts. This is calculated to cause one to go over in one's mind the circumstances that led to the hurt, with the possibility that an old wound may be opened and that one could renew resentment against the 'person' who is alleged to be present, and aware of one's thoughts. All thoughts of apology to be given or received can rapidly disappear. One might also be encouraged to consider the apologies that one would feel it necessary to make oneself. This is another ploy aimed at inducing a further mind trawl, calculated to reveal incidents or thoughts that are derogatory of others or oneself.