LISTENING TO THE SILENCES

I have been taught
by
dreams and fantasies

A few pages ago I suggested that you should re-read the earlier part of my writing in which I described the events leading up to the moment in which I began to 'hear voices' and experience other phenomena. Recollect that I had not sought any spiritual contact, nor had I been seeking 'divination' or converse with the dead. I had simply followed what at the time seemed to be a logical progression from the reality of dowsing using bent metal rods, to a point where I had perfectly rational conversations in which I engaged silently within my mind and I received responses - reasoned and logical responses - via a pendulum and alphabet chart. Thus, 'characters' had emerged, one of whom was alleged to be a former, and now deceased, Buddhist priest. In 'conversations' with him I became aware of a separate phenomenon, namely that of 'ambience'. At those times, I was imbued with and surrounded by an inexplicable and indescribable feeling of the sanctity and spiritual demeanour of someone of deep personal spirituality.

By itself, this type of encounter did not totally prepare me for the experience of having my entire person intruded into. As I have described earlier, I sat in my quiet room, as had been suggested in conversations via the pendulum, and began to compose myself for a simple meditative stillness. Totally unexpectedly, and without drama, "…a presence moved from the space in front of me into me". From that time onward, I have never been free from intrusive physical presences - not manifest all the time, but frequently, and with potentially significant effect upon my demeanour and reaction. My older brother is an Anglican priest. Completely independently, and not discussed or even mentioned until I had my own experiences and described them to him, my brother has had experience of spiritual 'movement' within himself since his late teens. He has had a full and active prayer life since those days, and he related to me how, when composing himself for prayer, or during the Eucharist, he sometimes senses bodily activity. He simply says within his mind - "If you are from God, you are welcome: if not, please go".

Not, myself, having my brother's spiritual acceptance, and he not having had the trauma of my experiences of spiritual malevolence, our reactions are markedly different. I do not want this type of activity within myself, from any source, unless I will it. Consequently, I view any intrusion with hostility and deep resentment. Over the years I have identified and recorded a number of 'ploys' used by intrusive spirits, and try in my accounts to describe the indescribable - often by analogy, as in the following:

It is all too easy to dwell upon the presence of the voice intrusions. Far more insidious, and possibly ever present, is the mute physical 'overlap'. Try to imagine a not quite exact 'fit', so that in every movement or reaction there is just the little bit of anticipation or lag; of speeding up when it is inappropriate; of not being quite in phase on a turn; of causing forward movement when there are obstacles to be negotiated - whether by deliberate intent or lack of 'skill' it is impossible to say. When the presence is continuous, or frequently in and out, it can become positively loathsome and one longs to be rid of it. If you have a copy, read in the Thousand and One Nights the story of the Old Man of the Sea. Sinbad, shipwrecked and alone as usual, stumbles across an old man who asks for his help to cross a stream. Sinbad, in his kindness, takes the old man on his back, and then, when the stream is crossed, finds himself in a stranglehold; beaten about the head, made to go this way and that, by day and night, at the old man's whim; be-skittered and be-pissed all down his back and generally befouled. It is only ultimately by making some wine from wild grapes and getting the man drunk that Sinbad is finally freed, and one can sense the ultimate release as he crushes the man's skull with a boulder. Many times have I wished for that boulder! It is possible from one's own reactions to these presences to understand how it is that individuals will harm themselves in an effort to get at or get rid of this gross intrusion that is only reachable within their own body.

Next, a very simple but effective ploy - (in all of the ploys that I shall describe, 'they' refers to the intrusion or intrusions - it is impossible to know at any time whether there is one or more involved in the current activity):

They can intrude physically and mentally into one's every moment, delighting in creating emotions or exploiting potentially emotional situations, until one realises that attempts are made to create laughter or tears where one is not in the least stirred up in either direction sufficiently to laugh or cry. Similarly, if the situation arose, they could create a feeling of anger and supply the words to go with it in a ready flow. They intrude into one's every thought and action, including the most intimate.

One just longs for an empty space in one's mind where one can think one's own thoughts, enjoy one's own emotions and reminiscences without these intrusions. One develops the most intense hatred of them. One result of this barrage is that one resents any intrusion or contact, thus rendering suspect those that might originate from a desirable spiritual source - they simulate these as well, so as to create animosity in one's mind to potential or existing spiritual helpers.